The Sue Conspiracy
by Princess Consuella Banana
Summary: Sauron is getting nervous. But he has yet to unleash his greatest weapon, and it isn't the Witch-King of Angmar. It's Mary-Sue.
1. It's a bird, it's crebain, it's MARY SUE

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The Sue Conspiracy

By Princess Consuella Banana

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Disclaimer: _LotR_ not mine. Mary-Sue not mine. Plot not mine. Stolen goods not mine.

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Warning Label: Contents under pressure. Author is insane. Read at your own risk.

The Dark Lord Sauron was brooding. He missed the Ring. The Nine had been sent for it, but that had resulted in a rather unfortunate accident with white-water rapids.

His eye flickered evilly. _Never fear, _he told himself. _You have yet to unleash your greatest weapon._

Saruman, on the other end of the palantir, wrinkled his caterpillar-esque eyebrows in confusion. _The Witch-King?_

No, no! Sauron was fed up with the ignorance of these Maia. _A weapon much more deadly. A weapon not even the bravest, truest warrior can overcome. _He laughed softly. _In fact, those very warriors are often the first to go._

What is it? asked Saruman eagerly. _A spell? A person? An object?_

She, cackled Sauron, _is better than all of that. The Fellowship will fall prey to her corruption easily._

Don't keep me in suspense! Saruman wailed. _Who is she? What is she?_

If Sauron had been a big flaming mouth, he would have grinned. _She is more beautiful than Legolas, _he replied, _braver than Sam. More tortured even than Frodo, or Boromir, and wiser than Gandalf. A better fighter than Gimli, more adept than Aragorn. Sweeter than Merry, funnier than Pippin._

And she will sleep with them all.

For she is . . . 

Mary-Sue.

~~~~~~~

__

Elrond had just opened his mouth to speak when a girl fell from the sky.

Literally.

"Oh, my!" she said, sitting up, rather unfazed. "What happened?"

The entire council stared at the wondrous beauty. Strangely enough, to each one she took on a different appearance.

To Legolas, she was a radiant elf maiden with long hair golden as the sun above. Her blue eyes sparkled like sapphires, and her perfect cherry-blossom mouth curled upward in wonderment. He wondered what shampoo she used.

To Boromir, her hair was black as the inky night and fell just to the small of her back. Her eyes were a brilliant amethyst, with a sparkle of defiance. Her warrior's clothes were ripped and torn just enough to reveal the perfect curves of her milky white skin.

To Frodo, she was short, a mere four-feet-eight-inches-tall. She might have been a hobbit, save her perfectly hairless and slender feet. Her hair was the exact color of deep, rich chocolate, and fell in a wave of curls to her shoulders. Her eyes were an uncanny periwinkle blue that matched his own exactly. He wondered what brand of contacts she wore.

To Aragorn, she looked exactly like Arwen, but with a grace and beauty far surpassing his Elven love. He felt torn. Very, very torn. And then he forgot about Arwen.

To Sam, Merry, and Pippin, she was a radiant hobbit lass with cascades of fiery auburn hair. Her cupid's-bow smile was full of mischief.

To Gandalf, she was an elf-maiden with the grace of centuries. Her hair was pure white and her eyes a deep black.

READERS: Ew! Gandalf?

GANDALF: Hey, I have feelings too!

Elrond blinked at her. "You will join the Fellowship, of course."

She giggled. "That's right! For I am Eirthrethriellwen, daughter of many brave warriors. I will join your Fellowship."

Frodo stared blankly. "What Fellowship?

Elrond smacked his forehead. "Ah, I forgot to tell you. We're making a Fellowship. To destroy the Ring."

The hobbit was still confused. "What ring?"

Elrond shrugged. "Anyone have a ring?"

Pippin fished around in his pockets and pulled out a ball of lint, several squashed mushrooms, a bent spoon, three live mice, and finally a plastic vending-machine ring. "I've got one!"

"Now I remember!" Elrond groaned. "The One Ring! How silly of me to forget – then again, we all get a little woozy in the presence of such beauty." He smiled at Eirthrethriellwen, who batted her eyelashes in return.

Frodo frowned. "**I **have the One Ring," he announced, looking hopefully over at Eirthrethriellwen. "I'LL be the Ringbearer." He puffed his chest out importantly.

"I'm coming with you!" Sam cried. "You need me for, er . . . gardening!"

Eirthrethriellwen grinned at him. "I'm sure you're a wonderful gardener. But not as good as me," she added with a wink.

"I'm coming too!" yelled Legolas, forgetting all about his Elven grace and jumping up and down in the air. "I'm coming too!"

Aragorn drew his sword and waved it about in a manly fashion. "You have my sword!"

Frodo stuck out his hand. Aragorn frowned at him and handed the sword to Eirthrethriellwen.

She pocketed it slyly. Anduril, the sword made from the remains of Sauron's bane, would no longer be a problem.

Gimli leapt up. "And my axe!"

Everyone stared blankly. What was this unattractive person doing here?

Finally, Elrond said, "No. We need nine Fellowship members to face off the nine Black Riders. A lot of writers haven't read the books and forget that this was my whole intent." He shrugged. "You can't come. Sorry."

"No fair!" Gimli roared. "You can't leave me behind in favor of some tavern wench from the Prancing Pony!"

Eirthrethriellwen's cheeks reddened ever-so-beautifully. "I was down on the money!" she shouted. "You would sell yourself out for sex too if you were in position!"

Everyone stared at her open-mouthed. She giggled nervously. "Ha-ha-ha, what a funny little joke I made!"

Everyone laughed, relieved.

"Normally I'd be funny too," added Pippin. "But around you, Eirthie, I find myself strangely tongue-tied."

She licked her lips. "Wanna know something REALLY funny?" she whispered in his ear. "I'm not wearing any underwear."

Pippin yelped and fell off his stool.

Elrond seemed to notice him for the first time. "What are you doing here? You should be hiding in the bushes!"

Pippin shrugged. "I got bored."

"I can fix that," Eirthrethriellwen whispered.

Merry tugged on her shirttail. "I'm insanely horny. Can you fix that too?"

"Maybe," she giggled. "Maybe . . ."

~~~~~~~

_Mary-Sue!_ snapped Sauron. _You're not focusing! You need to focus!_

Eirthrethriellwen pouted. "But I just wanna have fu-un," she whined. 

_Well, that's not your objective! You need to take this strategically!_

She giggled. "Okay. But I'm still gonna have fun."

_I don't care what you do! _he shouted. _But you need to take them down one at a time. Chapter by chapter._

"OKA-AY," she grumbled, and snapped her gum. "Who's first?"


	2. Legolas

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Chapter Two: Legolas

"Get your hand off my arse," Eirthrethriellwen giggled, and swatted Boromir away. The grumbling young Captain went back to playing love songs on his Harmonica of Gondor.

Aragorn was walking next to her. "And so I was like, Arwen, it's not working out, and then she was like, ohmigod, are you, like, breaking up with me, and I was like, um, ya, and she was totally all oh, no, like, what's the matter with you, you're totally out of character, and I was like, um, well, I don't THINK so, biz-atch, and she was like . . ."

"Orcs!" cried out Legolas. The Fellowship sprang into action.

Eirthrethriellwen just giggled and pulled out her sword. She swung left, then right, and soon killed all the Orcs. 

"What a rip-off," Legolas complained. "I didn't even get one."

Eirthrethriellwen giggled and patted his rump. "Soon you'll get some."

Legolas smirked at the rest of the Fellowship.

~~~~~~~

"Oh, dear," said Gandalf, obviously relishing the chance to be the boss. "We appear to have hit a snag. Shall we go to Moria or up Caradhras, the Most Commonly Misspelled Mountain?"

"I know!" chirped Eirthrethriellwen. "I'll turn into a bird any fly to the top of the mountain!"

Legolas stared at her. "Since when can you turn into a bird?"

She giggled. "I'm an Animorphagus, silly. I can change into anything." _Even your mom!_ she added to herself. "Then, at the top of the mountain, I'll use my telekinetic powers to wage war with Saruman, thus clearing the mountain pass!"

"Is this a joke?" Merry whispered to Pippin, his mind having been a bit less muddled since his recent mushroom intake.

Frodo shook his head. "I – I've heard tales of her kind. _Seus Yram _they are called, and their powers exceed even the ancient Maiar – even the omnipotent Valar! And they are said to be more beautiful than the ancient elf queens, and tastier than Farmer Maggot's mushrooms."

"'Shrooms," sighed Merry happily, and wandered off to do who-knows-what.

Meanwhile, Legolas had Eirthrethriellwen's hands tightly clasped in his. "My Lady, return to us presently, or evermore shall my heart despair."

She bowed her head. "I will not fail you. _Hsivle laer ton,_" she said, quoting an ancient Elvish linnod meaning 'Peace will come to us all', or some other sort of nonsense.

"_Amin sarigruva iire entuluva,_" Legolas responded, which means, in real Elvish, 'I will have sex with you when you return'.

Eirthrethriellwen giggled again. "You always know how to make me smile." And with that, she turned into a sparrow and flew away.

"You man-whore," Aragorn accused the elf. "You said you loved me."

~~~~~~~

Eirthrethriellwen was halfway up the mountain when she spotted a mini-mall over in Rohan, and abruptly changed direction. After an hour of shopping, she returned to the Fellowship, exhausted but happy.

"Did you defeat him?" Gandalf asked eagerly. 

Eirthrethriellwen smiled her brightest smile, the smile so beautiful that it sent a pang through everyone's heart to look at it. In fact, that very smile was sought after by no less than seven art galleries. She had almost given it to the Moria Art Museum, but there had been bad things said about their fire department, so she reconsidered. "Um . . . yes! We, er, battled . . . long and hard! And, and I won!" She held up her shopping bag as if it were a trophy.

"Well done, you!" cried Legolas, and swept her into a passionate embrace. The other Fellowship members plotted in their minds different way to kill from, from hitting him on the knees with a frying pan to turning his, er, Elven treasures into something unnatural.

She broke away suddenly. "Look what I got!"

She held up stacks of beautiful dresses and everyone applauded.

"You'll have to give us a fashion show!" cried Gandalf.

Boromir whistled. "No chance you bought any lingerie?"

Eirthrethriellwen just giggled. She Fellowship sat down in the snow and watched her model dress after dress after dress after dress after dress after dress after –

"LINGERIE!" yelped Boromir as Eirthrethriellwen came out from behind a rock dressed only in panties and a push-up bra.

Merry and Pippin threw handfuls of money at her as she giggled and pole-danced around a sapling. "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" they yelled.

"Don't see the point, really," muttered Sam. "Not like there's anything that'd show what doesn't show now."

Frodo nodded and wolf-whistled. "Doesn't leave much to the imagination."

Eirthrethriellwen just giggled, reverting momentarily to a sinister cackle.

~~~~~~~

Later that night, Legolas and Eirthrethriellwen sat around the campfire talking. 

"My very first memory, when I was three, is of being brutally beaten. My father was an evil man, you see, and I had my eighteen brothers and sisters to take care of, so I didn't have time to watch out for myself. I always knew there was something different about me, but I never quite figured out what. Sure, I had pointy ears, telekinesis, and the ability to shape-shift, but I never understood why I didn't fit in.

"When I was twelve, my father began selling me to other men – well, letting them rent me for the night. I hated it, but there was nothing I could do, short of calling Social Services, and I just didn't have it in me to make that toll-free telephone call. Besides, I was afraid that my eighteen brothers and sisters would be split up and sent to places where they'd be warm and well-fed. So I just bided my time.

"One day I was sitting around, wishing that I wasn't a cheap whore and that I lived in Middle-earth, when, POOF!, there it was. My wish came true."

Legolas was obviously impressed. "Poor Eirthrethriellwen. I'm so sorry."

She looked down sadly. "It's all in the past. I'm here to start a new life."

He looked at her, radiant in the firelight, and felt his heart swell with love. Either that, or he'd been eating too many Big Macs again.

"Eirthrethriellwen," he whispered, "I think I love you."

She looked up, her eyes changing from violet to sapphire to midnight black, and finally settling in a pink heart-shaped pupil. He was reminded of a slot machine, but shook it off. 

"I think I love you too," she whispered, and a tear rolled down her alabaster cheek. "But it's forbidden."

He frowned. "Why is it forbidden?"

She looked momentarily put off. "Um, I dunno. I just think it should be."

He shrugged. "Fine with me." And then he tackled her.

His mouth crushed hers like a hillbilly with a beer can. Her kiss was exotic and intoxicating and – 

Poisonous?

Well, never mind. He'd shake it off.

With trembling hands he undid her shirt. "Are you sure?" he asked breathlessly.

Her eyes glinted evilly. "Positive."

~~~~~~~

They found his body the next morning. 

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Any Sue elements you wish I'd include, only say the word and it shall be done!


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